When you are two years old, you are required to cry when the following things happen:
- It’s 12:30 at night.
- You wake up with a wet diaper.
- Your mommy changes you and goes back to bed.
- You suddenly realize that you are not covered by the “Star Blankie” that your Grammie put on you in the car for the ride home, and that your mommy, The Traitor, has covered you with your Frozen Blankie instead.
- Your mommy felt especially proud of herself for not leaving said Star Blankie in a crumpled heap on the floor, but folding it and putting it in her car, ready for the next time you all drive to Grammie’s house.
- Your mommy, The Idiot, goes downstairs to retrieve Star Blankie from the car in the garage, actually remembers somehow to turn off the house alarm, runs back upstairs, and get this, COVERS you with Star Blankie. Because by this point, you don’t want to be covered up anymore.
- Your mother, She Who Thinks She’s So Funny, posts a Facebook status about you to all her friends, presenting you as an impetuous toddler.
- Your mother, Who Does She Think She Is, picks you up and in a clueless attempt to comfort you, puts you in her bed, rubs your back, and sings you a freaking song.
- In all her infinite wisdom, your mother warms up some milk. Milk. So you say, “I don’t want a baba!” Oh, wait. That tastes pretty good.
- It’s 2:30 in the morning.
- Headed up to bed again, you’re ready. But wait. Where’s the moon? You can’t see the moon!
Alright, 2-year-olds, at this point it’s 2:45 and you’re starting to get sleepy. If, and only if, all of the above steps have been taken, you are welcome, at this point, to go back to bed. After all, you’ve got a big day ahead of you.